______
___
As I attempted a manual fantasy remembrance in the shower, I felt my initial elation fall to a feeling of loss. Jefferson had been out of my life for a year now, having taken a position in the Midwest where he was being paid handsomely for what he was now doing.
____
I peed again, this time in an almost fear-induced way. It still felt as warm as before, but less exciting and more pathetic.
____
Like a middle aged woman sagging and pissing on herself in the shower.
_____
I left the shower clean me off in a proper, and initially desired, fashion before turning it off and drying myself off. I moisturized the parts that needed it, slipping on a fresh pair of panties while staying topless.
____
My body suddenly felt old. I had never had this acute notion before, but was now worried about its existence.
___
I slipped on an oversized T-shirt (blue). It was Jefferson’s, originally, and the reasons behind me wearing it were obvious.
____
I got into bed and crawled under the comforter, needing some comfort at the moment. I had always thought that was the perfect name for such an item, instilling in every consumer the need for comfort and producing something that doesn’t require metaphor to experience its promise.
____
I wondered, laying there, what my body would feel like if I had been used to the word “heap” to describe the down feathers that then pressed upon me, thinking that, basically, that is what was covering me.
____
Would “I crawled under the heap” sound as pleasant as “I crawled under the comforter”?
____
Probably not.
____
In any case, I was comfortable and suddenly wanted a cigarette, but not having smoked in 5 years, I was without anything that would fit the bill.
___
And being comfortable under the comforter, I couldn’t justify the getting up, getting dressed, and walking to the corner store to spend the $12 to feed this temporary urge.
____
And so I kept under the comfortable, feeling slightly uncomfortable due to a previous life’s urge that I had thought I had overcome.
____
I felt how my breasts rubbed against Jefferson’s T-shirt, and feeling my nipples harden at the fact, took the shirt of and moved face down into the bed to muffle the bodily response.
_____
Breathing heavily into the pillows, I found that the warmth that came from the bed began to grow, to the point where I had to toss the comforter off me to cool off.
_____
With the open window breezing its breeze across my back and buttocks, I felt a coolness that didn’t seem to combine properly with my thoughts of the desert, didn’t meld with the previously high excitement of my new life there.
____
I imagined my position on the bed, and the differing temperatures for both hemispheres of my body, to be what I would experience in the desert, during the day and night.
_____
Focusing on this aspect of my situation allowed me to fall asleep, finally, and to wake up the next morning feeling confident, rested and ready for what I was about to embark upon.___
___
____
